Not Called To Be Perfect

Praise God that He didn’t call me to be a perfect mom!

When I saw this photo on my friend’s facebook page, it totally summed up my feelings.  So much is going on, changing, moving - just pure craziness really-  with our family right now.  It’s easy for me to lift my eyes up and say, “are you sure?” Questioning myself at every turn, “Is this best for them? Are they getting what they need? Am I doing it right (i.e. perfect)?” 

I love that God is good.  I love that He alone is perfect. I love that in His awesomeness He knows just what we need.  

He created me for them. He created them to call me mom. He gave us each other so that I could point them to HIM, and so that He can teach me about Himself.  

My God is good and my God is perfect.  My God makes no mistakes and His love is never ending.  His mercies are renewed every morning and His faithfulness is great. My God’s tender kindness is what brings me to repentance and what makes me want to love Him more.  

Oh LORD my God, use my imperfections to show yourself perfect!

33

My dad was 33 years old, 33 years ago.  At least I think that’s how old he was the day he died.  I was five. Sometimes I can’t remember all the details; his age, the exact date of the accident, what he looked like or the sound of his voice. Usually about this time every June I start looking back through past blogs (my sister’s mostly) to try and remember the details.  Tonight was my ‘memory lane’ night.
I am sad.  I would love to be having dinner with my sisters right now.  Or sitting on a screened in porch drinking a cup of coffee and letting them tell me all the memories they have that I don’t.
I will shed my tears and allow myself my moment of sadness.  In the morning I will wake up knowing that my Heavenly Father’s mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

Parenting

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/desperate-breathless-dependent-parenting

I couldn’t word it any better!  It’s exactly what I have been feeling lately.  God is good to remind, encourage and give us all we need in the tasks that He lays in our hands.  Since He created me for Him; He created my kids for Him; He must have confidence in that I can do this job!

Praise Him for teaching us to be dependent on Him.

I AM NOT ALONE

Today I have spent the day on my couch, computer in hand, researching all I can on gluten sensitivity, ADHD and high copper -- things we struggle with in our home.  If I allow myself,  I can get overwhelmed trying to meet the needs of my children.  And in my strength - it is overwhelming.  In my strength, fear arises. In my strength tears and despair fill my every breath.  In my strength, I am alone.  

I hurt when I see, hear and read of others struggling to do things on their own; those feeling as if they are alone. Those who speak of feeling afraid, being in despair.  

For the glory and honor of our LORD, I shout out......... In HIS strength I am NOT alone!  

In His strength He tells me... (Isaiah 45)

² I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. ³ I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. 

In His strength He tells me... 

⁵ I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, ⁶ so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other. 

In His strength He tells me...

18 For this is what the LORD says— he who created the heavens, he is God; he who fashioned and made the earth, he founded it; he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited— he says: “I am the LORD, and there is no other. ¹⁹ I have not spoken in secret, from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob’s descendants, ‘Seek me in vain.’ I, the LORD, speak the truth; I declare what is right.

In His strength He tells me...

²³ By myself I have sworn, my mouth has uttered in all integrity a word that will not be revoked: Before me every knee will bow; by me every tongue will swear. ²⁴ They will say of me, ‘In the LORD alone are deliverance and strength.’” All who have raged against him will come to him and be put to shame. ²⁵ But all the descendants of Israel will find deliverance in the LORD and will make their boast in him.

Father’s Day

Every morning before school we try and have a time of prayer with the kids. Friday as we prayed all four spent time praying for a classmate who didn’t have a father or whose father couldn’t make it to the special Father’s Day Program.

It brought tears to my eyes for two different reasons.

A memory of me in first grade standing in the parking lot after school watching fathers pick up their kids.  I remember thinking to myself, “I want my daddy to pick me up.”  It’s sadness, loneliness and some jealousy all mixed together.

But, what really brought tears to my eyes was the sensitivity my children have in their hearts for their classmates.  For them, unprompted, to know that there would be sadness, loneliness and jealousy for their friends who would sit and watch others sing to, recite poems to and interact with their fathers.

I LOVE the hearts of my kids! I love that they have an earthly father who relies on their heavenly father to train and mold and soften their hearts.

Psalm 68:5

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. NIV

Being a Mom

It’s the hardest job I have ever done, am doing or ever will do.  It’s not just that there are four of them (born all in 3 years time).  It’s that John and I are responsible for their mental, physical and spiritual well-being adn that is humbling and scary.
I can be lazy.  I don’t want to take the time to discipline.  It’s easy to let them sit in front of the tv instead of playing a game with them; throw quick and easy food at them instead of putting more thought and effort into what’s going in their mouths; sleeping in a few extra minutes instead of insuring we have prayer before they leave for school.  It takes time - and effort.
John and I have been going through the study Shepherding a Child’s Heart.    It’s been amazing.  Yet, sometimes heartbreaking and overwhelming.  God is so good though.  He knew we needed a little encouragement because our last session was all about playing catch-up.  Not beating yourself up cause there are changes that need to be made from not doing it right the first time. Giving each other and the kids grace as the changes are being implemented.
We also are implementing food changes.  Yep, we’ve gone gluten free.  Mostly for Bek and Evan’s sake, but I think we all are going to benefit from this new diet.  But, it’s just one more added ‘chore’ - one more thing telling me I can’t be lazy.  And it plain just goes against the way I like to bake and cook!  I hate measuring, reading recipes, and being precise.  When I make...err...MADE bread,  I just dumped all the ingredients together and mixed until it looked right.  Yep, a whole lot more thought is going to be required for this new gluten-free-loves-to-bake-mama.
But, it’s worth it.  It’s worth the early mornings and late nights. It’s worth it to see my boys tell my girls in the morning, “I love you and you’re beautiful”, it’s worth it to see my girl who struggles so much in school come home and sit down on her own and get her school work accomplished.  It’s worth it to ENJOY sitting in the evenings and have family worship.
Are John and I perfect...nope! Are our kids perfect....haha, nope! Do we always do the above mentioned...nope!  But, we are trying.  We are changing. We are growing.

I am being a mom!

Since August....

What's it been...4 or 5 months since I've written? My story has continued on, even with my lack of blog posts. It's not been the best, nor the worst of times. It's just been FULL. My Team Honduras Family has cried together, laughed together, prayed together. I thank God for each one of them. Each person that He places in my life to be 'iron sharpening iron'.

We have been away from each other a lot over these past few months. At least one of us has been in traveling mode. We have had health issues, emotional struggles, spiritual laziness (ok..I'll claim that one solo). We have also had great talks, sweet retreats and celebrating holidays.

We are all back together again. And growing! November brought us one, today brings us two. We still have 4 more in 'early-pregnancy' stage, we await their arrival. For now, we rest. We enjoy being a growing team and seeing all that God wants to do in and through us.

I spent some time in the States during this season. It was great to see all the sights, smell all the smells, hear all the familiar noises, feel the warm embrace of a mom and a sister who I know love me. With that came that little whispered 'what-if'. But then all the remembered harshness, lack of belonging, dare I say abandonment showed itself. I saw my girls struggle through the same thoughts and feelings. And my heart, not burdened just with my own whispers, but with the whispers I knew my sweet 12 year old girls were hearing too: 'You don't fit here anymore, but neither do you fit there."

But over the whispers I heard God's voice in my heart "I have loved you with an everlasting love and I will never stop. I sing over you with joy. You fit with me. You are my child created for a purpose." That purpose, the meaning of my name. To live pure and full of grace in Honduras. To be the wife and mom He created me to be. One who doesn't give into the anger of the moment? One who seeing the anger in her children doesn't let guilt rule her into thinking she's a bad mom who hasn't taught her children well. One who when tired and overwhelmed with all that the days hold can sit sniffling/coughing on the couch, listening to the rain outside, wrapped up in a blanket. And in that moment feel the peace and presence of her Father. One who rest knowing her Father will help her teach her kids to hear the song of the One who created them, loves them, rejoices over them with song.

Today I may be lazy physically, but I am working over-time letting my soul absorb the caresses of Him who created me. Letting me soul pour back to Him the praise and adoration He alone deserves. Today I do what He has been calling me to do for so long.....

I write. I write a praise. I write a thanksgiving. I write love to Him who wrote love to me first.