In the Dark

My sister shared a link to a blogpost.  As I read it, I understood everything the author wrote - because I have been in that same dark place.  As I read it God reminded me of this blog I started a year and a half ago.  Reminded me of His prodding for me to write, to tell my story.    Let me start with an excerpt:

After about an hour I came across (I was tempted to say stumbled, but we all know that isn’t true at all) an article on a particular type of bird. It wasn’t a Christian reference, but rather a zoological-type book with statistics and pictures for someone who knows much more about birds than I do.

I skimmed it until I came across a sentence that explained how this certain type of bird learned how to sing. I didn’t finish reading it before the tenderness overcame me.

“And this particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, its cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. Then, it is able to hear its master and will learn to sing…”

More than a sparrow.

More than the pitch-black-darkness.

He loves me.

And in that place of feeling left alone, unwanted, disregarded, abandoned, He whispered to my weary soul;

Sing, love.

In the black night, I listened to His voice and I heard Him in a way I never had before. I stopped trying to focus on the silhouettes around me, panicked and desperate for my bearings. I accepted the fact that it might be a long while before I knew where I was and how to find my way back. Slowly, I started to believe that He treasured me enough to trust my voice in the dark. Nobody watching, nobody to judge.

Just me and the One Who told me I was worth it.

I cry as I read and write.  Cry as I remember God’s tenderness when I was in my darkest moments.  Remembering that when I was standing silent in the darkness He was watching over me. He didn’t allow me even a small night light, just pitch blackness.   He needed me to learn things that only those dark moments could teach.  I needed to trust - trust that He truly calls me His daughter, that He truly loves me every minute of every day.  That I am not one He puts aside and ignores because I haven’t acted right, said the right things or been the ‘good girl’.  I am the one whom He disciplines with kindness; who He hears, acknowledges and answers.  I am His beloved - not because of what I’ve done but because of who He is!

So, His prodding for me to tell my story...am I ready to do that for all eyes to see...honestly I am not sure.  Now that I have remembered this forgotten blog, maybe. Maybe this is where I will finally let the story be told???

Click on the link below to read the entire post of the excerpt above.
Sparrow

Trusting

Loosing, gaining....two verbs used with the word trust. And, they can be used at the same time -maybe the subject changes. In every moment of the day I am loosing trust or someone is loosing my trust. I am gaining trust or someone is gaining my trust. We are trying to teach our kids about trust. I always think of it as they need to gain our trust. I realized this morning that they need to gain my trust too. Somewhere between infancy and 9,8,6 years of age there has been some trust lost. I realize that I need to work at regaining the trust - the trust of total security; the trust of love and acceptance no matter what they do or say; the trust of being able to tell me anything at anytime.

God doesn't need to earn my trust - it is His by rightful design. I on the other hand just need to see and accept it. It is there for my taking. The trust that I have total security in Him; the trust that He loves and accepts me no matter what I do or say; the trust of being able to tell Him anything at anytime.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for your great and glorious gift of trust. May I guard and cherish and use this gift to the full capacity that you intended when you gave it to me.

Processing

The past 6 months have been a roller coaster for me as I have been standing silent. Is that an oxi-moran? I am not sure one stands silent as they are on a roller coaster. Maybe more like sitting screaming. I think maybe - MAYBE - the roller coaster is coming to and end - and I am ready to get off. This past month has been the most growth/healing that I think I have ever experienced. Growth and healing don't come cheap or easy. It's actually very costly and very painful. But OH, the joy that comes with the sweet sweet dawning of a beautiful clear blue sunny day! I anticipate many posts to come out of this past month. This blog will more than not become my processing of this moth. I am excited to see what God is going to do with my silent standing (or is it my sitting screams?!?!).

The First of Many

Most of you reading this already know about me and the blog I have been keeping for the past several years. This blog will take a slightly different twist from The Clow Communicator. I am happy to get started on what I hope is the first of many posts to come.

You may be wandering why I titled the blog Standing Silent. The past few months have been...well...for now let's say...difficult! God is refining, reviving and renewing John and I and our four kiddos. We are in a "waiting hold" not knowing what the next step will be for us. Two weeks ago I was a last minute stand in teacher for Evan's Sunday school class. I looked around the classroom and the only material I could find were coloring sheet on Moses crossing the Red Sea. While Evan and his best friend Silas (the only ones in the class) colored Moses I read from Exodus 14. One verse JUMPED off the page at me: "...Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today." Exodus 14:13

Today I am standing still. I am watching and waiting to see the salvation of the LORD. Come quickly Lord Jesus. Come quickly!