Thursday, February 10, 2011

Normal or Abnormal?

     Until recently I would have told you I had an abnormal childhood.  I have come to realize that what we grew up thinking was normal, really is the abnormal.  So, I’ll shout it - I’M NORMAL.  Although I am not sure I am proud of that!  :-)
     I am the youngest, the ‘little brat’ in our family.  The ‘Kathy stop, Kathy don’t, Kathy go away, Kathy no’ child.  I was ( an extremely active, loud, obnoxious child.  Never really feeling like I fit in with my family.  I know that I was and am loved, but never really felt like they wanted me around; rather preferred that I stayed out of the way. They never really got their wish - I made sure I was seen and heard!  
     On the outside I was loud and happy, on the inside not so much.  My father passing away when I was 5 had a lot to do with that.  I didn’t know how I was suppose to feel or act about the sadness I felt, so I just let the sadness stay inside while forcing the happy girl out.  I became pretty good at pretending.  
     An equal reason for my inward sadness happened just a few months after the death of my father. Until this moment only John and about 10 other people knew what I am about to share.  One night at a sleep over with family friends, an older girl took me in a closed closet to show me 'what mommies and daddies do to make babies’.  When I was 11 a similar incident happened. A few years later, at 16, an inappropriate touch of an extended family person occurred.   I kept all of that locked inside of me for years.  Always wanting to vomit every time I thought of those days.  Never wanting to tell anyone for fear that they would confirm what I felt - that I was nothing more than a dirty little brat.  
     God has spoken to my soul for so long, “I fearfully and wonderfully made you; you are my work and you are wonderful.”  
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14 NIV
Unfortunately, for many years, I not only stood silent but deaf as well to the truth that I am not a dirty brat, but a wonderful creation of The Most Wonderful Creator! 
     Today I am standing silent but not deaf. Soaking in the warm of the truth that He does not see me as a dirty brat - He sees me as His redeemed child full of His purity and grace!

1 comment:

  1. Nicole says (not Heath) You're right! You're fearfully and wonderfully made, and not alone. I have wonderful parents but had three horrible experiences of my own--one at five years old, a situation just like yours, one at 11 with a boy who must have been abused himself, and one at 19. It scares me so much for my own children... it's so hard to protect them! I pray that having the courage to speak out will not only help others who have suffered but also open parents' eyes to protect our little ones now!