http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/desperate-breathless-dependent-parenting
I couldn’t word it any better! It’s exactly what I have been feeling lately. God is good to remind, encourage and give us all we need in the tasks that He lays in our hands. Since He created me for Him; He created my kids for Him; He must have confidence in that I can do this job!
Praise Him for teaching us to be dependent on Him.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I AM NOT ALONE
Today I have spent the day on my couch, computer in hand, researching all I can on gluten sensitivity, ADHD and high copper -- things we struggle with in our home. If I allow myself, I can get overwhelmed trying to meet the needs of my children. And in my strength - it is overwhelming. In my strength, fear arises. In my strength tears and despair fill my every breath. In my strength, I am alone.
I hurt when I see, hear and read of others struggling to do things on their own; those feeling as if they are alone. Those who speak of feeling afraid, being in despair.
For the glory and honor of our LORD, I shout out......... In HIS strength I am NOT alone!
In His strength He tells me... (Isaiah 45)
2 I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. 3 I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
In His strength He tells me...
5 I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, 6 so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other.
In His strength He tells me...
18 For this is what the LORD says— he who created the heavens, he is God; he who fashioned and made the earth, he founded it; he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited— he says: “I am the LORD, and there is no other. 19 I have not spoken in secret, from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob’s descendants, ‘Seek me in vain.’ I, the LORD, speak the truth; I declare what is right.
In His strength He tells me...
23 By myself I have sworn, my mouth has uttered in all integrity a word that will not be revoked: Before me every knee will bow; by me every tongue will swear. 24 They will say of me, ‘In the LORD alone are deliverance and strength.’” All who have raged against him will come to him and be put to shame. 25 But all the descendants of Israel will find deliverance in the LORD and will make their boast in him.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Father’s Day
Every morning before school we try and have a time of prayer with the kids. Friday as we prayed all four spent time praying for a classmate who didn’t have a father or whose father couldn’t make it to the special Father’s Day Program.
It brought tears to my eyes for two different reasons.
A memory of me in first grade standing in the parking lot after school watching fathers pick up their kids. I remember thinking to myself, “I want my daddy to pick me up.” It’s sadness, loneliness and some jealousy all mixed together.
But, what really brought tears to my eyes was the sensitivity my children have in their hearts for their classmates. For them, unprompted, to know that there would be sadness, loneliness and jealousy for their friends who would sit and watch others sing to, recite poems to and interact with their fathers.
I LOVE the hearts of my kids! I love that they have an earthly father who relies on their heavenly father to train and mold and soften their hearts.
It brought tears to my eyes for two different reasons.
A memory of me in first grade standing in the parking lot after school watching fathers pick up their kids. I remember thinking to myself, “I want my daddy to pick me up.” It’s sadness, loneliness and some jealousy all mixed together.
But, what really brought tears to my eyes was the sensitivity my children have in their hearts for their classmates. For them, unprompted, to know that there would be sadness, loneliness and jealousy for their friends who would sit and watch others sing to, recite poems to and interact with their fathers.
I LOVE the hearts of my kids! I love that they have an earthly father who relies on their heavenly father to train and mold and soften their hearts.
Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. NIV
Friday, January 13, 2012
Being a Mom
It’s the hardest job I have ever done, am doing or ever will do. It’s not just that there are four of them (born all in 3 years time). It’s that John and I are responsible for their mental, physical and spiritual well-being adn that is humbling and scary.
I can be lazy. I don’t want to take the time to discipline. It’s easy to let them sit in front of the tv instead of playing a game with them; throw quick and easy food at them instead of putting more thought and effort into what’s going in their mouths; sleeping in a few extra minutes instead of insuring we have prayer before they leave for school. It takes time - and effort.
John and I have been going through the study Shepherding a Child’s Heart. It’s been amazing. Yet, sometimes heartbreaking and overwhelming. God is so good though. He knew we needed a little encouragement because our last session was all about playing catch-up. Not beating yourself up cause there are changes that need to be made from not doing it right the first time. Giving each other and the kids grace as the changes are being implemented.
We also are implementing food changes. Yep, we’ve gone gluten free. Mostly for Bek and Evan’s sake, but I think we all are going to benefit from this new diet. But, it’s just one more added ‘chore’ - one more thing telling me I can’t be lazy. And it plain just goes against the way I like to bake and cook! I hate measuring, reading recipes, and being precise. When I make...err...MADE bread, I just dumped all the ingredients together and mixed until it looked right. Yep, a whole lot more thought is going to be required for this new gluten-free-loves-to-bake-mama.
But, it’s worth it. It’s worth the early mornings and late nights. It’s worth it to see my boys tell my girls in the morning, “I love you and you’re beautiful”, it’s worth it to see my girl who struggles so much in school come home and sit down on her own and get her school work accomplished. It’s worth it to ENJOY sitting in the evenings and have family worship.
Are John and I perfect...nope! Are our kids perfect....haha, nope! Do we always do the above mentioned...nope! But, we are trying. We are changing. We are growing.
I am being a mom!
I can be lazy. I don’t want to take the time to discipline. It’s easy to let them sit in front of the tv instead of playing a game with them; throw quick and easy food at them instead of putting more thought and effort into what’s going in their mouths; sleeping in a few extra minutes instead of insuring we have prayer before they leave for school. It takes time - and effort.
John and I have been going through the study Shepherding a Child’s Heart. It’s been amazing. Yet, sometimes heartbreaking and overwhelming. God is so good though. He knew we needed a little encouragement because our last session was all about playing catch-up. Not beating yourself up cause there are changes that need to be made from not doing it right the first time. Giving each other and the kids grace as the changes are being implemented.
We also are implementing food changes. Yep, we’ve gone gluten free. Mostly for Bek and Evan’s sake, but I think we all are going to benefit from this new diet. But, it’s just one more added ‘chore’ - one more thing telling me I can’t be lazy. And it plain just goes against the way I like to bake and cook! I hate measuring, reading recipes, and being precise. When I make...err...MADE bread, I just dumped all the ingredients together and mixed until it looked right. Yep, a whole lot more thought is going to be required for this new gluten-free-loves-to-bake-mama.
But, it’s worth it. It’s worth the early mornings and late nights. It’s worth it to see my boys tell my girls in the morning, “I love you and you’re beautiful”, it’s worth it to see my girl who struggles so much in school come home and sit down on her own and get her school work accomplished. It’s worth it to ENJOY sitting in the evenings and have family worship.
Are John and I perfect...nope! Are our kids perfect....haha, nope! Do we always do the above mentioned...nope! But, we are trying. We are changing. We are growing.
I am being a mom!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Since August....
What's it been...4 or 5 months since I've written? My story has continued on, even with my lack of blog posts. It's not been the best, nor the worst of times. It's just been FULL. My Team Honduras Family has cried together, laughed together, prayed together. I thank God for each one of them. Each person that He places in my life to be 'iron sharpening iron'.
We have been away from each other a lot over these past few months. At least one of us has been in traveling mode. We have had health issues, emotional struggles, spiritual laziness (ok..I'll claim that one solo). We have also had great talks, sweet retreats and celebrating holidays.
We are all back together again. And growing! November brought us one, today brings us two. We still have 4 more in 'early-pregnancy' stage, we await their arrival. For now, we rest. We enjoy being a growing team and seeing all that God wants to do in and through us.
I spent some time in the States during this season. It was great to see all the sights, smell all the smells, hear all the familiar noises, feel the warm embrace of a mom and a sister who I know love me. With that came that little whispered 'what-if'. But then all the remembered harshness, lack of belonging, dare I say abandonment showed itself. I saw my girls struggle through the same thoughts and feelings. And my heart, not burdened just with my own whispers, but with the whispers I knew my sweet 12 year old girls were hearing too: 'You don't fit here anymore, but neither do you fit there."
But over the whispers I heard God's voice in my heart "I have loved you with an everlasting love and I will never stop. I sing over you with joy. You fit with me. You are my child created for a purpose." That purpose, the meaning of my name. To live pure and full of grace in Honduras. To be the wife and mom He created me to be. One who doesn't give into the anger of the moment? One who seeing the anger in her children doesn't let guilt rule her into thinking she's a bad mom who hasn't taught her children well. One who when tired and overwhelmed with all that the days hold can sit sniffling/coughing on the couch, listening to the rain outside, wrapped up in a blanket. And in that moment feel the peace and presence of her Father. One who rest knowing her Father will help her teach her kids to hear the song of the One who created them, loves them, rejoices over them with song.
Today I may be lazy physically, but I am working over-time letting my soul absorb the caresses of Him who created me. Letting me soul pour back to Him the praise and adoration He alone deserves. Today I do what He has been calling me to do for so long.....
I write. I write a praise. I write a thanksgiving. I write love to Him who wrote love to me first.
We have been away from each other a lot over these past few months. At least one of us has been in traveling mode. We have had health issues, emotional struggles, spiritual laziness (ok..I'll claim that one solo). We have also had great talks, sweet retreats and celebrating holidays.
We are all back together again. And growing! November brought us one, today brings us two. We still have 4 more in 'early-pregnancy' stage, we await their arrival. For now, we rest. We enjoy being a growing team and seeing all that God wants to do in and through us.
I spent some time in the States during this season. It was great to see all the sights, smell all the smells, hear all the familiar noises, feel the warm embrace of a mom and a sister who I know love me. With that came that little whispered 'what-if'. But then all the remembered harshness, lack of belonging, dare I say abandonment showed itself. I saw my girls struggle through the same thoughts and feelings. And my heart, not burdened just with my own whispers, but with the whispers I knew my sweet 12 year old girls were hearing too: 'You don't fit here anymore, but neither do you fit there."
But over the whispers I heard God's voice in my heart "I have loved you with an everlasting love and I will never stop. I sing over you with joy. You fit with me. You are my child created for a purpose." That purpose, the meaning of my name. To live pure and full of grace in Honduras. To be the wife and mom He created me to be. One who doesn't give into the anger of the moment? One who seeing the anger in her children doesn't let guilt rule her into thinking she's a bad mom who hasn't taught her children well. One who when tired and overwhelmed with all that the days hold can sit sniffling/coughing on the couch, listening to the rain outside, wrapped up in a blanket. And in that moment feel the peace and presence of her Father. One who rest knowing her Father will help her teach her kids to hear the song of the One who created them, loves them, rejoices over them with song.
Today I may be lazy physically, but I am working over-time letting my soul absorb the caresses of Him who created me. Letting me soul pour back to Him the praise and adoration He alone deserves. Today I do what He has been calling me to do for so long.....
I write. I write a praise. I write a thanksgiving. I write love to Him who wrote love to me first.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My Beautiful Nieces
God has blessed me with 13 beautiful nieces. All of whom are different and I LOVE that. I love that our God is so creative that within the same family (not mentioning throughout all peoples and nations) His creativity shines His love and beauty for mankind. This post is a letter to those 13 women and young-becoming-women whom I love with all my heart!
To My Nieces,
From the age of 9 I have had the incredible privilege of watching my sisters bellies grow with you inside. Feeling you kick and move before ever seeing your face. I was blessed to not only be aunt, but to also have the role of an older cousin/sister.
Val, I loved Thanksgiving and Christmas when I got to play with you - loved taking you to my college for a weekend. Loved you flying out to see John and I when we lived in KS. You gave me the opportunity to feel what it was like to be a big sister! Now, you are a beautiful wife and mother! It has been so fun to see your first year of motherhood (albeit through facebook) and see the way you love and care for your husband and son.
Emily, the one I am told is just like me. Watch out world! I have loved watching you grow from a beautiful infant into a beautiful woman. I loved that I was able to be at your wedding and watch you take the most important vows ever! Watching you take care of Eric PLUS continue with your schooling - you’re amazing! Also, your photography is incredible and I am ready for you to come to Honduras and take some Clow family photos!
Jennie, as well I loved watching you grow from infant to womanhood. You were John and I’s ‘chaperone’ while we were courting - playing the role that I had to play to your mom and dad when they were engaged :) You were a beautiful child - now you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful child! I am still sad I didn’t get a chance to have you do my hair. From what I see you are SO talented and good at your career. Maybe when we are in the states next you can give me a makeover!!!
Sarah, the joy that your laughter and joking brought warmed my soul every time I was around you - and STILL does. Press on in school - there are kids out there who need a cool fun teacher :) Maybe special ed like your fun cool aunt :) :) Then after school (or during breaks) you can come play the fun-cool-cousin here in Honduras. God has incredible plans for your future - great things He is going to accomplish through you in the lives of lots of kiddos. I love you - remember always that you are very beautiful and very precious in every way.
Jessica, the honor of being there the moment you made your arrival into this world is one I will never forget. Remembering how you loved your uncle John right from the start- YOU were the one who made him feel most welcomed into our family. You are so beautiful and so talented!!! I can’t wait to see the path God takes you down with your music! I love reading all your facebook status, giving honor and glory to God in all things! Enjoy your last year of high school. Continue being that beautiful bright light shining in a dark world.
Erin, you gave me my first experience of a week long babysitting adventure. You were not even a year old when I got to be ‘mommy’ for a week; rocking you and giving you a bottle and yes changing lots of diapers. Though I determined I did not ever want to be a single mother that week, I also knew that I desperately wanted to be a mommy one day. You were a beautiful child and now you are becoming a beautiful women! Just two more years and you’ll be done with school - all you girls are just growing up too fast!
Lindsey, I married when you were just a year old and began seeing and loving all of you girls as a mother loves, not just the love of a fun cool aunt (although I am holding that title and refusing to be thought of any differently!). I love your ‘hacking’ into facebook status - our ‘your my favorite’ jokes we play. Your quick dry sense of humor gets me every time. You are beautiful inside and out! So - what I want to know - is when are you going to come play futbol in Honduras and forget that wimpy soccer in the GA?
Alexis, you were just a tiny infant when John and I married. I got to see you grow your first year and watch all your milestones. After that life parted, sadly, and only until recently have we ‘known’ each other (I am so thankful for facebook!) You are a beautiful young lady and I wish that I could know you better. But always know this - I love you so much, as much as any of the others! Just because we haven’t had as much time together doesn’t change that you are my beautiful beautiful niece!
Julia, you were born after John and I moved away from GA. Then life parted for a long while for my family and yours. I wish your cousins knew you better - I wish I knew you better (but like I told your sister, I am so thankful for facebook!). You are a beautiful lady whom I know is probably growing too fast for her mama! I love you so so much and hope that one day we will get to know each other more - that you and Abi and Bekah will get to know each other!
Ashley, my niece because I married your uncle. I found out I was pregnant with the girls just before you were born. Our visits to TX and watching you three play together has always brought joy to my heart! Your life has seen a lot, more than any child should. I LOVE that you turn to God and find your comfort in Him. I love you as my own child. You know that your uncle and I are always here for you. I just wish I got to give you hugs more often than I do! You are blossoming into a beautiful young women - I can’t believe how ‘old’ you are looking. STOP GROWING :-)
Rachel, you are only 6 weeks older than my firstborn girls and I can’t help but feel sadness that the three of you haven’t been able to grow up together. I think you are a beautiful wonderful thoughtful kind young lady. I LOVE being your aunt! I love hearing and ‘watching’ you be such a help to your mama and your younger sisters. God has given you an incredible wonderful personality who thinks of others more than herself.
Megan, little ‘sarita’, you bring as much joy to my soul as Sarah. God giving me the opportunity to witness that joy all over again through you is awesome! I love that you call me on Skype. I love that you pursue getting to know your cousins from countries apart. :) I love that you act as if we have always lived ‘next door’ not countries apart. I love seeing your beautiful face every time we skype!!!
And last but not least - Little Kinsey girl. A second ‘little em’ (who everyone says is just like me). Who would have ever thought that God would think this world needed another one just like us! You make me laugh. I love our skype dates. I love that you know me as aunt even though we have never lived in the same country. My heart fell when I heard that you had fallen and cracked your skull - not being able to rush to the hospital to see you was so hard for me. But I prayed, I prayed hard. I just remembered a time when Granma and your mama had to rush me to the hospital because a chunk of concrete that fell on my head - I was about the same age as you :) Ok - there are just somethings where you DON’T need to be like me!
I think I will end this post with that. I had plans to write more to you. More about my childhood/ my story. If you want to know, you can go back and read this blog. Or not, and just know that I love and pray for each one of you. I want to protect you as I want to protect my own daughters from the hurts this world can bring. But, just like your own mothers, I know I can’t. Only God can do that. Val and Jennie - you know what I am talking about now that you are mothers yourselves. Mothering is the toughest job you’ll ever do.
All 13 of you are beautiful and precious - and I just wanted you to know that.
I love you all! I miss you all!
Aunt Kathy
To My Nieces,
From the age of 9 I have had the incredible privilege of watching my sisters bellies grow with you inside. Feeling you kick and move before ever seeing your face. I was blessed to not only be aunt, but to also have the role of an older cousin/sister.
Val, I loved Thanksgiving and Christmas when I got to play with you - loved taking you to my college for a weekend. Loved you flying out to see John and I when we lived in KS. You gave me the opportunity to feel what it was like to be a big sister! Now, you are a beautiful wife and mother! It has been so fun to see your first year of motherhood (albeit through facebook) and see the way you love and care for your husband and son.
Emily, the one I am told is just like me. Watch out world! I have loved watching you grow from a beautiful infant into a beautiful woman. I loved that I was able to be at your wedding and watch you take the most important vows ever! Watching you take care of Eric PLUS continue with your schooling - you’re amazing! Also, your photography is incredible and I am ready for you to come to Honduras and take some Clow family photos!
Jennie, as well I loved watching you grow from infant to womanhood. You were John and I’s ‘chaperone’ while we were courting - playing the role that I had to play to your mom and dad when they were engaged :) You were a beautiful child - now you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful child! I am still sad I didn’t get a chance to have you do my hair. From what I see you are SO talented and good at your career. Maybe when we are in the states next you can give me a makeover!!!
Sarah, the joy that your laughter and joking brought warmed my soul every time I was around you - and STILL does. Press on in school - there are kids out there who need a cool fun teacher :) Maybe special ed like your fun cool aunt :) :) Then after school (or during breaks) you can come play the fun-cool-cousin here in Honduras. God has incredible plans for your future - great things He is going to accomplish through you in the lives of lots of kiddos. I love you - remember always that you are very beautiful and very precious in every way.
Jessica, the honor of being there the moment you made your arrival into this world is one I will never forget. Remembering how you loved your uncle John right from the start- YOU were the one who made him feel most welcomed into our family. You are so beautiful and so talented!!! I can’t wait to see the path God takes you down with your music! I love reading all your facebook status, giving honor and glory to God in all things! Enjoy your last year of high school. Continue being that beautiful bright light shining in a dark world.
Erin, you gave me my first experience of a week long babysitting adventure. You were not even a year old when I got to be ‘mommy’ for a week; rocking you and giving you a bottle and yes changing lots of diapers. Though I determined I did not ever want to be a single mother that week, I also knew that I desperately wanted to be a mommy one day. You were a beautiful child and now you are becoming a beautiful women! Just two more years and you’ll be done with school - all you girls are just growing up too fast!
Lindsey, I married when you were just a year old and began seeing and loving all of you girls as a mother loves, not just the love of a fun cool aunt (although I am holding that title and refusing to be thought of any differently!). I love your ‘hacking’ into facebook status - our ‘your my favorite’ jokes we play. Your quick dry sense of humor gets me every time. You are beautiful inside and out! So - what I want to know - is when are you going to come play futbol in Honduras and forget that wimpy soccer in the GA?
Alexis, you were just a tiny infant when John and I married. I got to see you grow your first year and watch all your milestones. After that life parted, sadly, and only until recently have we ‘known’ each other (I am so thankful for facebook!) You are a beautiful young lady and I wish that I could know you better. But always know this - I love you so much, as much as any of the others! Just because we haven’t had as much time together doesn’t change that you are my beautiful beautiful niece!
Julia, you were born after John and I moved away from GA. Then life parted for a long while for my family and yours. I wish your cousins knew you better - I wish I knew you better (but like I told your sister, I am so thankful for facebook!). You are a beautiful lady whom I know is probably growing too fast for her mama! I love you so so much and hope that one day we will get to know each other more - that you and Abi and Bekah will get to know each other!
Ashley, my niece because I married your uncle. I found out I was pregnant with the girls just before you were born. Our visits to TX and watching you three play together has always brought joy to my heart! Your life has seen a lot, more than any child should. I LOVE that you turn to God and find your comfort in Him. I love you as my own child. You know that your uncle and I are always here for you. I just wish I got to give you hugs more often than I do! You are blossoming into a beautiful young women - I can’t believe how ‘old’ you are looking. STOP GROWING :-)
Rachel, you are only 6 weeks older than my firstborn girls and I can’t help but feel sadness that the three of you haven’t been able to grow up together. I think you are a beautiful wonderful thoughtful kind young lady. I LOVE being your aunt! I love hearing and ‘watching’ you be such a help to your mama and your younger sisters. God has given you an incredible wonderful personality who thinks of others more than herself.
Megan, little ‘sarita’, you bring as much joy to my soul as Sarah. God giving me the opportunity to witness that joy all over again through you is awesome! I love that you call me on Skype. I love that you pursue getting to know your cousins from countries apart. :) I love that you act as if we have always lived ‘next door’ not countries apart. I love seeing your beautiful face every time we skype!!!
And last but not least - Little Kinsey girl. A second ‘little em’ (who everyone says is just like me). Who would have ever thought that God would think this world needed another one just like us! You make me laugh. I love our skype dates. I love that you know me as aunt even though we have never lived in the same country. My heart fell when I heard that you had fallen and cracked your skull - not being able to rush to the hospital to see you was so hard for me. But I prayed, I prayed hard. I just remembered a time when Granma and your mama had to rush me to the hospital because a chunk of concrete that fell on my head - I was about the same age as you :) Ok - there are just somethings where you DON’T need to be like me!
I think I will end this post with that. I had plans to write more to you. More about my childhood/ my story. If you want to know, you can go back and read this blog. Or not, and just know that I love and pray for each one of you. I want to protect you as I want to protect my own daughters from the hurts this world can bring. But, just like your own mothers, I know I can’t. Only God can do that. Val and Jennie - you know what I am talking about now that you are mothers yourselves. Mothering is the toughest job you’ll ever do.
All 13 of you are beautiful and precious - and I just wanted you to know that.
I love you all! I miss you all!
Aunt Kathy
Friday, June 17, 2011
June
Statistically June is always a ‘downer’ month for me. The month in which my father left me. My sister wrote an incredible blog post about being abandoned.
The other day I was talking with some friends about how I am usually not happy in June. One of them said, but God gave you three to replace the one he took.
John and I were married June 6th. Our happy Siah boy was born June 10th, John’s birthday is June 16th. Our crazy Evan boy was born June 24th.
Yes, I have sadness in the month of June. But, God gave me more days of joy and dates to celebrate that shine over the one day of sadness. He truly makes my cup runneth over!
The other day I was talking with some friends about how I am usually not happy in June. One of them said, but God gave you three to replace the one he took.
John and I were married June 6th. Our happy Siah boy was born June 10th, John’s birthday is June 16th. Our crazy Evan boy was born June 24th.
Yes, I have sadness in the month of June. But, God gave me more days of joy and dates to celebrate that shine over the one day of sadness. He truly makes my cup runneth over!
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