Sisters

I have been sad the past several days.  No particular reason that I could come up with.  Until today.  Today marks one year since I last communicated with my sister.  She is the middle child, and when I came along she wasn’t too happy about it.  We have never had a close or happy relationship. Just one battle after another.  We have had moments and I know that she loves me.  We just are polar opposites.

It seems whether I open my mouth or not, I offend.  I apologize when it’s brought to my attention, but I never feel as if the apologies are accepted.  A year ago today I wished my nephew a happy birthday on facebook.  What I actually wrote was ‘happy birthday to my favorite nephew’.  My sister was offended because it was not her child that I was writing that to.  She let me know her feelings about it.  I wrote back and apologized and explained that it was a running joke between the aunts, nephews and nieces to play the ‘I’m your favorite/you’re my favorite’ card.  I never heard back from her.  I have since tried several times to send her notes.  Never a response.

It’s been hard to be ignored, feel forgotten, by a sister.  More so I think it hurts because she played more than a sister role in my life.  I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with her two boys.  I am sad that my children don’t know their aunt.  I love my sister. I wish I felt that love returned.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

Dusty Corners

     I go through times when I just fight God on issues. I know that I am the only one in this world who does that, right? HA!  Why do we do that? Why do we do what we know we shouldn’t and don’t do what we know we should?  I know that I should show love, have joy, which gives me peace, when I am patient, making me want to show kindness, from which is goodness,  while I am having faithfulness, others see gentleness and all this bring about self-control.  Ok , that was fun to write!
     I know what God wants from me and my heart, my innermost being really wants to give it to Him.  Just sometimes, "I wanna be in a mood.”  I laugh, that quote has become a joke of sorts amongst some friends after Beth Moore made a comment in one of our Bible Study sessions.  Our other famous quote, “STOP IT!”  (Click on it to see a great video, but after you finish reading this post.)
     Things have been happening lately, situations God has me going through, Bible studies He has placed me in that is stirring up all that yucky dust in the corners of the closets of my heart.  I have allergies - I don’t like dusting!  I am thankful that God doesn’t leave me alone, doesn’t walk away and say, “she’s not worth all the trouble.” I am thankful He doesn’t place me in that dusty closet and shut the door and say, “stay in there until you clean it all up.”  He just simply asks me to come, come and sit at His feet and fellowship with Him. Come and be willing to let Him do all the dusting.  I think my heart must be Honduran - here dusting has to be done daily, sometimes twice a day!
    
  
    

Transitoning

     It never ceases to amaze me that God designed my childhood as training for my adulthood.  That’s the way He is, using yesterday to train us for today and today to train us for tomorrow. I never want to stop being in training. Until my final breath my prayer will be, “Lord, keep teaching me!”
     After the four year period of ‘just us girls’ my mom remarried to the man I have called Dad since I was 9.  It was definitely a transition.  We went from mom and three daughters to dad, mom, 4 daughters, 1 son, 2 already-out-of-the-house sons, 1 daughter-in-law and a baby on the way.   Somethings were easy to adjust to, somethings not as much.
     My Dad was/is quite controlling and hard.  He likes things his way and he expected us to bend to that immediately.  Without talk, without discussion he moved in and it was set in stone that everything was his way.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. In fact, a good bit of my controlling nature was probably learned from him. My stubbornness, well....that one I think I was born with!
     I am finding that God seems to remind me of childhood moments long forgotten when I am in the same phase as an adult.  For the last several years He has been orchestrating my life to resemble my childhood.  I guess He is ready for me to deal with the past and grow up!  
     As we are going through transition with our team, God has reminded me of that transition with my family.  He has shown me that I have to communicate.  I have to respect others opinions and the way they work. I have to lay aside ‘my-way’.
     In the near future our team  will consist of 5 very opinionated women and 3 guys.  John told me when that happens he is going to ask Mike if the guys can have their own team meetings!  I know we won’t always agree, we’ll definitely want to always share our opinions and I am sure hurt feelings are coming.  My prayer is that we will always remember that this is God’s ministry and His way. That we will talk, respect, extend grace and love one another.  “ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35ESV
     I feel so blessed that God has sent us here to Honduras.  I love and respect our team mates and there is no where else I would rather be than right here serving alongside them! Well...dancing while the Father sings over me does trump living in Honduras...but for now, until I can dance with Jesus, Honduras is where I want to be!

Goodbyes

    I have been pretty crabby the last several days.  John put his hands on my shoulders, got close to my face and asked, “Do you need to go away for a couple of days?”  I laughed, he laughed. I love how he can always make me laugh.
    Asking God why I was being the way I was, He reminded me - it’s the goodbyes.  From an early age my life has been full of them.  I was thinking through the best friends I have had. A year with one in this school, a year with one in that school, 3 years with this one, 4 years with that one before a goodbye came. Due to a move, due to a change in schools or to life just moving on and paths going separate ways.
    The first best friend I remember loosing was the one I had the longest.  She and I met when I was in 2nd and she in 3rd.   We bonded almost immediately.  Although we rarely talked about it, we both shared the experience of loosing our daddies to an accident.  We both had large blended families and we just ‘got’ each other.
     We went to a small Christian school where we were in the same classroom until she was in 7th and I was in 6th. And that was the last year we were best friends.  The next year I was pulled out to homeschool and our lives just parted.  The weekend sleepovers started dying off, phone calls went days longer, until it was months before we had spoken.
    This trend has extended from childhood to adulthood and the goodbyes continue.  College friends and others from all the different cities and states and countries where John and I have lived.  God knew that He had called me to missionary life long before I was even born.  He knew I needed the ‘classroom’ time of goodbyes as a child before He put me on the 'field assignment’ as an adult. He knew that I would need to know what it felt like as a child so that I could know what my kiddos are going through.
     Watching my kids constantly going through goodbyes - this is the part of missions that i do NOT like, but who does?  Abigail and Rebekah had a class project this week.  They had to pick a song about their life.  Abi’s song:

If This World by Jaci Velasquez

Do you feel you’ve been disowned, Left outside in the cold and without a home? Do you think that no one cares That you’re lost and alone and without a prayer? Don’t give into the lie that there’s no one you can turn to. Don’t lose heart, there is hope, There is someone who will never desert you, oh. If this world is a lonely place for you, Fall into the arms of love. If this world is a lonely place for you, There’s a God who you can trust, Who’ll comfort you and lift you up. Are you looking for a friend Who will stand by your side to the very end? Someone who is always true to his word, Be assured he won’t turn from you. Put your faith in the one who will never let you down. He has proven his love. Open up to all he has for you now, oh. If this world is a lonely place for you, Fall into the arms of love. If this world is a lonely place for you, There’s a God who you can trust, Who’ll comfort you and lift you up. He hears your cry, he sees your tears, He knows your pain and all your fears. He waits for you with open arms, He longs to live inside your heart. You’ll never be alone again. If this world is a lonely place for you, Fall into the arms of love. If this world is a lonely place for you, There’s a God who you can trust, Who’ll comfort you and lift you up.     We were listening to the song on the way to school this morning and my silent prayer was, “Oh Lord! May they always know that YOU are their true friend and constant companion that will never leave them nor forsake them. May they always go running to your comforting arms when they are lonely or sad.” And then the song that our Sweet Sweet Bekah Girl chose came on:   Got to be True by Steven Curtis Chapman Well normally at this point you'd hear me sing And I'd be doing that acoustic guitar thing So by now you're probably wondering what's going on 'Cause this is really starting to sound like one of those rap songs Well let me tell you what the boy's up to You see I like rap music and the beat box groove And sometimes I gotta admit I close all the doors And wave my arms around and I pace the floor But then I crack up laughing, I gotta stop And just face the facts the boy don't hip hop You see I grew up in a state where the grass is blue So if it's gonna be believable it's got to b tru CHORUS: It's got to b tru I've gotta be living what I say I believe It's got to b tru even when nobody but Jesus is watching me It's got to b tru every single minute of every day If anybody's ever gonna look at me and say hey it's got to b tru You hear me saying that it's got to b tru And no my homeboy Toby wants to talk to you Tru check it out I got a next door neighbor And I can tell he's been watching my behavior Yo he's heard that I'm a Christian guy He wants to know if that's the truth or a lie He's got a list of reasons not to believe Like doubt, dissolution, hypocrisy It's gonna take some living proof to break through those walls Yea, it's got to b tru if he'll believe at all

    That girl is going to be who she is no matter where she is.  And one thing we can always be assured of, she will laugh at herself and get us laughing at the same time. I guess she got that from her daddy!
  
    Still crabby? Maybe a little.  I’m missing those that I have had to say goodbye to recently; Katie who went home to be with Jesus 7 weeks ago today and the McCanns who just returned permanently to the States. However, I am thanking God for friends that He has given me here in La Ceiba; my Bible Study Group Ladies, one of whom I get to spend lots of time with on our 5:30am walks (and who reminds me ALOT of my 2nd-6th grade best friend and who I have ALOT in common with!). Lastly, I am anticipating with great joy the ‘hellos’ that are to come soon; the return of the Pettengills from furlough and the arrival of our new teammate Shannon.

Just the Girls

     There was a four-year period in my life where it was just us girls. My mother and my two sisters who are 8 and 5 years older than me.  I remember some of these years. Somethings with fondness, others I would rather that I could cast in the sea to never remember again.
     I love my mother and my sisters. I really didn’t have a horrible childhood. I just had some crapy things happen that I never dealt with.  For the most part I was a happy child and found joy and laughter amidst sorrow and strife.
     Actually, I didn’t have sisters - I just had three moms!  My mother was busy working or going to school after my father’s death.  In the times when she was absence, mothering became the responsibility of my sisters.  I never knew were the lines were.  When were we just sisters playing? When were they in authority and I had to listen and obey?  I got the belt coming from three different directions - and I didn’t take it standing silently that’s for sure. The more I kicked and screamed, the more I got. Oh if I had only learned at an early age to stand silent!
    There were benefits to having three moms though. I never had to worry if someone was looking out for me or protecting me. I never felt scared or unsafe.  If I fell and got hurt (or had my big toenail ripped off in a post office door and then again in the riding lawnmower) I had more than one pair of hands tending to my needs.
     My prayer has become that as I am standing silent before the LORD He would flood my thoughts with the good memories. That I would dwell on  “...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable...” Phil. 4:8  That I would have those wonderful childhood memories of sisterhood.
    
    
    
    

Grieving

     Last week my sweet friend, Katie went home to be with our LORD.  I rejoice that she is no longer in pain and that she is dancing with Jesus.  I grieve for her husband and two children who must now walk through this earthly life without her.  My heart is tender toward children who loose a parent.  I am sure it always will be.  God has performed surgery on my heart time after time that it’s impossible for the scars to not be tender to the touch.  

     The past several weeks I BEGGED and pleaded to our Father to spare her earthly life for the sake of her children.  He spoke to my soul, "I took care of you and I can take care of them. I numbered Katie’s days. My ways are so much greater and wiser that your ways."

     A sweet pastor friend sent me a note encouraging me that it was ok to be sad, it’s ok to grieve.  So today, one week from when Katie left her earthly body, I cry. I cry for the friend that I lost. For the wife that Scott lost. For the mother that Daniel and Bethany lost.  

Today I am sad - and that is ok.

Normal or Abnormal?

     Until recently I would have told you I had an abnormal childhood.  I have come to realize that what we grew up thinking was normal, really is the abnormal.  So, I’ll shout it - I’M NORMAL.  Although I am not sure I am proud of that!  :-)
     I am the youngest, the ‘little brat’ in our family.  The ‘Kathy stop, Kathy don’t, Kathy go away, Kathy no’ child.  I was (errr....am) an extremely active, loud, obnoxious child.  Never really feeling like I fit in with my family.  I know that I was and am loved, but never really felt like they wanted me around; rather preferred that I stayed out of the way. They never really got their wish - I made sure I was seen and heard!  
     On the outside I was loud and happy, on the inside not so much.  My father passing away when I was 5 had a lot to do with that.  I didn’t know how I was suppose to feel or act about the sadness I felt, so I just let the sadness stay inside while forcing the happy girl out.  I became pretty good at pretending.  
     An equal reason for my inward sadness happened just a few months after the death of my father. Until this moment only John and about 10 other people knew what I am about to share.  One night at a sleep over with family friends, an older girl took me in a closed closet to show me 'what mommies and daddies do to make babies’.  When I was 11 a similar incident happened. A few years later, at 16, an inappropriate touch of an extended family person occurred.   I kept all of that locked inside of me for years.  Always wanting to vomit every time I thought of those days.  Never wanting to tell anyone for fear that they would confirm what I felt - that I was nothing more than a dirty little brat.  
     God has spoken to my soul for so long, “I fearfully and wonderfully made you; you are my work and you are wonderful.”  

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14 NIV

Unfortunately, for many years, I not only stood silent but deaf as well to the truth that I am not a dirty brat, but a wonderful creation of The Most Wonderful Creator! 
     Today I am standing silent but not deaf. Soaking in the warm of the truth that He does not see me as a dirty brat - He sees me as His redeemed child full of His purity and grace!