What's it been...4 or 5 months since I've written? My story has continued on, even with my lack of blog posts. It's not been the best, nor the worst of times. It's just been FULL. My Team Honduras Family has cried together, laughed together, prayed together. I thank God for each one of them. Each person that He places in my life to be 'iron sharpening iron'.
We have been away from each other a lot over these past few months. At least one of us has been in traveling mode. We have had health issues, emotional struggles, spiritual laziness (ok..I'll claim that one solo). We have also had great talks, sweet retreats and celebrating holidays.
We are all back together again. And growing! November brought us one, today brings us two. We still have 4 more in 'early-pregnancy' stage, we await their arrival. For now, we rest. We enjoy being a growing team and seeing all that God wants to do in and through us.
I spent some time in the States during this season. It was great to see all the sights, smell all the smells, hear all the familiar noises, feel the warm embrace of a mom and a sister who I know love me. With that came that little whispered 'what-if'. But then all the remembered harshness, lack of belonging, dare I say abandonment showed itself. I saw my girls struggle through the same thoughts and feelings. And my heart, not burdened just with my own whispers, but with the whispers I knew my sweet 12 year old girls were hearing too: 'You don't fit here anymore, but neither do you fit there."
But over the whispers I heard God's voice in my heart "I have loved you with an everlasting love and I will never stop. I sing over you with joy. You fit with me. You are my child created for a purpose." That purpose, the meaning of my name. To live pure and full of grace in Honduras. To be the wife and mom He created me to be. One who doesn't give into the anger of the moment? One who seeing the anger in her children doesn't let guilt rule her into thinking she's a bad mom who hasn't taught her children well. One who when tired and overwhelmed with all that the days hold can sit sniffling/coughing on the couch, listening to the rain outside, wrapped up in a blanket. And in that moment feel the peace and presence of her Father. One who rest knowing her Father will help her teach her kids to hear the song of the One who created them, loves them, rejoices over them with song.
Today I may be lazy physically, but I am working over-time letting my soul absorb the caresses of Him who created me. Letting me soul pour back to Him the praise and adoration He alone deserves. Today I do what He has been calling me to do for so long.....
I write. I write a praise. I write a thanksgiving. I write love to Him who wrote love to me first.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My Beautiful Nieces
God has blessed me with 13 beautiful nieces. All of whom are different and I LOVE that. I love that our God is so creative that within the same family (not mentioning throughout all peoples and nations) His creativity shines His love and beauty for mankind. This post is a letter to those 13 women and young-becoming-women whom I love with all my heart!
To My Nieces,
From the age of 9 I have had the incredible privilege of watching my sisters bellies grow with you inside. Feeling you kick and move before ever seeing your face. I was blessed to not only be aunt, but to also have the role of an older cousin/sister.
Val, I loved Thanksgiving and Christmas when I got to play with you - loved taking you to my college for a weekend. Loved you flying out to see John and I when we lived in KS. You gave me the opportunity to feel what it was like to be a big sister! Now, you are a beautiful wife and mother! It has been so fun to see your first year of motherhood (albeit through facebook) and see the way you love and care for your husband and son.
Emily, the one I am told is just like me. Watch out world! I have loved watching you grow from a beautiful infant into a beautiful woman. I loved that I was able to be at your wedding and watch you take the most important vows ever! Watching you take care of Eric PLUS continue with your schooling - you’re amazing! Also, your photography is incredible and I am ready for you to come to Honduras and take some Clow family photos!
Jennie, as well I loved watching you grow from infant to womanhood. You were John and I’s ‘chaperone’ while we were courting - playing the role that I had to play to your mom and dad when they were engaged :) You were a beautiful child - now you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful child! I am still sad I didn’t get a chance to have you do my hair. From what I see you are SO talented and good at your career. Maybe when we are in the states next you can give me a makeover!!!
Sarah, the joy that your laughter and joking brought warmed my soul every time I was around you - and STILL does. Press on in school - there are kids out there who need a cool fun teacher :) Maybe special ed like your fun cool aunt :) :) Then after school (or during breaks) you can come play the fun-cool-cousin here in Honduras. God has incredible plans for your future - great things He is going to accomplish through you in the lives of lots of kiddos. I love you - remember always that you are very beautiful and very precious in every way.
Jessica, the honor of being there the moment you made your arrival into this world is one I will never forget. Remembering how you loved your uncle John right from the start- YOU were the one who made him feel most welcomed into our family. You are so beautiful and so talented!!! I can’t wait to see the path God takes you down with your music! I love reading all your facebook status, giving honor and glory to God in all things! Enjoy your last year of high school. Continue being that beautiful bright light shining in a dark world.
Erin, you gave me my first experience of a week long babysitting adventure. You were not even a year old when I got to be ‘mommy’ for a week; rocking you and giving you a bottle and yes changing lots of diapers. Though I determined I did not ever want to be a single mother that week, I also knew that I desperately wanted to be a mommy one day. You were a beautiful child and now you are becoming a beautiful women! Just two more years and you’ll be done with school - all you girls are just growing up too fast!
Lindsey, I married when you were just a year old and began seeing and loving all of you girls as a mother loves, not just the love of a fun cool aunt (although I am holding that title and refusing to be thought of any differently!). I love your ‘hacking’ into facebook status - our ‘your my favorite’ jokes we play. Your quick dry sense of humor gets me every time. You are beautiful inside and out! So - what I want to know - is when are you going to come play futbol in Honduras and forget that wimpy soccer in the GA?
Alexis, you were just a tiny infant when John and I married. I got to see you grow your first year and watch all your milestones. After that life parted, sadly, and only until recently have we ‘known’ each other (I am so thankful for facebook!) You are a beautiful young lady and I wish that I could know you better. But always know this - I love you so much, as much as any of the others! Just because we haven’t had as much time together doesn’t change that you are my beautiful beautiful niece!
Julia, you were born after John and I moved away from GA. Then life parted for a long while for my family and yours. I wish your cousins knew you better - I wish I knew you better (but like I told your sister, I am so thankful for facebook!). You are a beautiful lady whom I know is probably growing too fast for her mama! I love you so so much and hope that one day we will get to know each other more - that you and Abi and Bekah will get to know each other!
Ashley, my niece because I married your uncle. I found out I was pregnant with the girls just before you were born. Our visits to TX and watching you three play together has always brought joy to my heart! Your life has seen a lot, more than any child should. I LOVE that you turn to God and find your comfort in Him. I love you as my own child. You know that your uncle and I are always here for you. I just wish I got to give you hugs more often than I do! You are blossoming into a beautiful young women - I can’t believe how ‘old’ you are looking. STOP GROWING :-)
Rachel, you are only 6 weeks older than my firstborn girls and I can’t help but feel sadness that the three of you haven’t been able to grow up together. I think you are a beautiful wonderful thoughtful kind young lady. I LOVE being your aunt! I love hearing and ‘watching’ you be such a help to your mama and your younger sisters. God has given you an incredible wonderful personality who thinks of others more than herself.
Megan, little ‘sarita’, you bring as much joy to my soul as Sarah. God giving me the opportunity to witness that joy all over again through you is awesome! I love that you call me on Skype. I love that you pursue getting to know your cousins from countries apart. :) I love that you act as if we have always lived ‘next door’ not countries apart. I love seeing your beautiful face every time we skype!!!
And last but not least - Little Kinsey girl. A second ‘little em’ (who everyone says is just like me). Who would have ever thought that God would think this world needed another one just like us! You make me laugh. I love our skype dates. I love that you know me as aunt even though we have never lived in the same country. My heart fell when I heard that you had fallen and cracked your skull - not being able to rush to the hospital to see you was so hard for me. But I prayed, I prayed hard. I just remembered a time when Granma and your mama had to rush me to the hospital because a chunk of concrete that fell on my head - I was about the same age as you :) Ok - there are just somethings where you DON’T need to be like me!
I think I will end this post with that. I had plans to write more to you. More about my childhood/ my story. If you want to know, you can go back and read this blog. Or not, and just know that I love and pray for each one of you. I want to protect you as I want to protect my own daughters from the hurts this world can bring. But, just like your own mothers, I know I can’t. Only God can do that. Val and Jennie - you know what I am talking about now that you are mothers yourselves. Mothering is the toughest job you’ll ever do.
All 13 of you are beautiful and precious - and I just wanted you to know that.
I love you all! I miss you all!
Aunt Kathy
To My Nieces,
From the age of 9 I have had the incredible privilege of watching my sisters bellies grow with you inside. Feeling you kick and move before ever seeing your face. I was blessed to not only be aunt, but to also have the role of an older cousin/sister.
Val, I loved Thanksgiving and Christmas when I got to play with you - loved taking you to my college for a weekend. Loved you flying out to see John and I when we lived in KS. You gave me the opportunity to feel what it was like to be a big sister! Now, you are a beautiful wife and mother! It has been so fun to see your first year of motherhood (albeit through facebook) and see the way you love and care for your husband and son.
Emily, the one I am told is just like me. Watch out world! I have loved watching you grow from a beautiful infant into a beautiful woman. I loved that I was able to be at your wedding and watch you take the most important vows ever! Watching you take care of Eric PLUS continue with your schooling - you’re amazing! Also, your photography is incredible and I am ready for you to come to Honduras and take some Clow family photos!
Jennie, as well I loved watching you grow from infant to womanhood. You were John and I’s ‘chaperone’ while we were courting - playing the role that I had to play to your mom and dad when they were engaged :) You were a beautiful child - now you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful child! I am still sad I didn’t get a chance to have you do my hair. From what I see you are SO talented and good at your career. Maybe when we are in the states next you can give me a makeover!!!
Sarah, the joy that your laughter and joking brought warmed my soul every time I was around you - and STILL does. Press on in school - there are kids out there who need a cool fun teacher :) Maybe special ed like your fun cool aunt :) :) Then after school (or during breaks) you can come play the fun-cool-cousin here in Honduras. God has incredible plans for your future - great things He is going to accomplish through you in the lives of lots of kiddos. I love you - remember always that you are very beautiful and very precious in every way.
Jessica, the honor of being there the moment you made your arrival into this world is one I will never forget. Remembering how you loved your uncle John right from the start- YOU were the one who made him feel most welcomed into our family. You are so beautiful and so talented!!! I can’t wait to see the path God takes you down with your music! I love reading all your facebook status, giving honor and glory to God in all things! Enjoy your last year of high school. Continue being that beautiful bright light shining in a dark world.
Erin, you gave me my first experience of a week long babysitting adventure. You were not even a year old when I got to be ‘mommy’ for a week; rocking you and giving you a bottle and yes changing lots of diapers. Though I determined I did not ever want to be a single mother that week, I also knew that I desperately wanted to be a mommy one day. You were a beautiful child and now you are becoming a beautiful women! Just two more years and you’ll be done with school - all you girls are just growing up too fast!
Lindsey, I married when you were just a year old and began seeing and loving all of you girls as a mother loves, not just the love of a fun cool aunt (although I am holding that title and refusing to be thought of any differently!). I love your ‘hacking’ into facebook status - our ‘your my favorite’ jokes we play. Your quick dry sense of humor gets me every time. You are beautiful inside and out! So - what I want to know - is when are you going to come play futbol in Honduras and forget that wimpy soccer in the GA?
Alexis, you were just a tiny infant when John and I married. I got to see you grow your first year and watch all your milestones. After that life parted, sadly, and only until recently have we ‘known’ each other (I am so thankful for facebook!) You are a beautiful young lady and I wish that I could know you better. But always know this - I love you so much, as much as any of the others! Just because we haven’t had as much time together doesn’t change that you are my beautiful beautiful niece!
Julia, you were born after John and I moved away from GA. Then life parted for a long while for my family and yours. I wish your cousins knew you better - I wish I knew you better (but like I told your sister, I am so thankful for facebook!). You are a beautiful lady whom I know is probably growing too fast for her mama! I love you so so much and hope that one day we will get to know each other more - that you and Abi and Bekah will get to know each other!
Ashley, my niece because I married your uncle. I found out I was pregnant with the girls just before you were born. Our visits to TX and watching you three play together has always brought joy to my heart! Your life has seen a lot, more than any child should. I LOVE that you turn to God and find your comfort in Him. I love you as my own child. You know that your uncle and I are always here for you. I just wish I got to give you hugs more often than I do! You are blossoming into a beautiful young women - I can’t believe how ‘old’ you are looking. STOP GROWING :-)
Rachel, you are only 6 weeks older than my firstborn girls and I can’t help but feel sadness that the three of you haven’t been able to grow up together. I think you are a beautiful wonderful thoughtful kind young lady. I LOVE being your aunt! I love hearing and ‘watching’ you be such a help to your mama and your younger sisters. God has given you an incredible wonderful personality who thinks of others more than herself.
Megan, little ‘sarita’, you bring as much joy to my soul as Sarah. God giving me the opportunity to witness that joy all over again through you is awesome! I love that you call me on Skype. I love that you pursue getting to know your cousins from countries apart. :) I love that you act as if we have always lived ‘next door’ not countries apart. I love seeing your beautiful face every time we skype!!!
And last but not least - Little Kinsey girl. A second ‘little em’ (who everyone says is just like me). Who would have ever thought that God would think this world needed another one just like us! You make me laugh. I love our skype dates. I love that you know me as aunt even though we have never lived in the same country. My heart fell when I heard that you had fallen and cracked your skull - not being able to rush to the hospital to see you was so hard for me. But I prayed, I prayed hard. I just remembered a time when Granma and your mama had to rush me to the hospital because a chunk of concrete that fell on my head - I was about the same age as you :) Ok - there are just somethings where you DON’T need to be like me!
I think I will end this post with that. I had plans to write more to you. More about my childhood/ my story. If you want to know, you can go back and read this blog. Or not, and just know that I love and pray for each one of you. I want to protect you as I want to protect my own daughters from the hurts this world can bring. But, just like your own mothers, I know I can’t. Only God can do that. Val and Jennie - you know what I am talking about now that you are mothers yourselves. Mothering is the toughest job you’ll ever do.
All 13 of you are beautiful and precious - and I just wanted you to know that.
I love you all! I miss you all!
Aunt Kathy
Friday, June 17, 2011
June
Statistically June is always a ‘downer’ month for me. The month in which my father left me. My sister wrote an incredible blog post about being abandoned.
The other day I was talking with some friends about how I am usually not happy in June. One of them said, but God gave you three to replace the one he took.
John and I were married June 6th. Our happy Siah boy was born June 10th, John’s birthday is June 16th. Our crazy Evan boy was born June 24th.
Yes, I have sadness in the month of June. But, God gave me more days of joy and dates to celebrate that shine over the one day of sadness. He truly makes my cup runneth over!
The other day I was talking with some friends about how I am usually not happy in June. One of them said, but God gave you three to replace the one he took.
John and I were married June 6th. Our happy Siah boy was born June 10th, John’s birthday is June 16th. Our crazy Evan boy was born June 24th.
Yes, I have sadness in the month of June. But, God gave me more days of joy and dates to celebrate that shine over the one day of sadness. He truly makes my cup runneth over!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sisters
I have been sad the past several days. No particular reason that I could come up with. Until today. Today marks one year since I last communicated with my sister. She is the middle child, and when I came along she wasn’t too happy about it. We have never had a close or happy relationship. Just one battle after another. We have had moments and I know that she loves me. We just are polar opposites.
It seems whether I open my mouth or not, I offend. I apologize when it’s brought to my attention, but I never feel as if the apologies are accepted. A year ago today I wished my nephew a happy birthday on facebook. What I actually wrote was ‘happy birthday to my favorite nephew’. My sister was offended because it was not her child that I was writing that to. She let me know her feelings about it. I wrote back and apologized and explained that it was a running joke between the aunts, nephews and nieces to play the ‘I’m your favorite/you’re my favorite’ card. I never heard back from her. I have since tried several times to send her notes. Never a response.
It’s been hard to be ignored, feel forgotten, by a sister. More so I think it hurts because she played more than a sister role in my life. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with her two boys. I am sad that my children don’t know their aunt. I love my sister. I wish I felt that love returned.
It seems whether I open my mouth or not, I offend. I apologize when it’s brought to my attention, but I never feel as if the apologies are accepted. A year ago today I wished my nephew a happy birthday on facebook. What I actually wrote was ‘happy birthday to my favorite nephew’. My sister was offended because it was not her child that I was writing that to. She let me know her feelings about it. I wrote back and apologized and explained that it was a running joke between the aunts, nephews and nieces to play the ‘I’m your favorite/you’re my favorite’ card. I never heard back from her. I have since tried several times to send her notes. Never a response.
It’s been hard to be ignored, feel forgotten, by a sister. More so I think it hurts because she played more than a sister role in my life. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with her two boys. I am sad that my children don’t know their aunt. I love my sister. I wish I felt that love returned.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Dusty Corners
I go through times when I just fight God on issues. I know that I am the only one in this world who does that, right? HA! Why do we do that? Why do we do what we know we shouldn’t and don’t do what we know we should? I know that I should show love, have joy, which gives me peace, when I am patient, making me want to show kindness, from which is goodness, while I am having faithfulness, others see gentleness and all this bring about self-control. Ok , that was fun to write!
I know what God wants from me and my heart, my innermost being really wants to give it to Him. Just sometimes, "I wanna be in a mood.” I laugh, that quote has become a joke of sorts amongst some friends after Beth Moore made a comment in one of our Bible Study sessions. Our other famous quote, “STOP IT!” (Click on it to see a great video, but after you finish reading this post.)
Things have been happening lately, situations God has me going through, Bible studies He has placed me in that is stirring up all that yucky dust in the corners of the closets of my heart. I have allergies - I don’t like dusting! I am thankful that God doesn’t leave me alone, doesn’t walk away and say, “she’s not worth all the trouble.” I am thankful He doesn’t place me in that dusty closet and shut the door and say, “stay in there until you clean it all up.” He just simply asks me to come, come and sit at His feet and fellowship with Him. Come and be willing to let Him do all the dusting. I think my heart must be Honduran - here dusting has to be done daily, sometimes twice a day!
I know what God wants from me and my heart, my innermost being really wants to give it to Him. Just sometimes, "I wanna be in a mood.” I laugh, that quote has become a joke of sorts amongst some friends after Beth Moore made a comment in one of our Bible Study sessions. Our other famous quote, “STOP IT!” (Click on it to see a great video, but after you finish reading this post.)
Things have been happening lately, situations God has me going through, Bible studies He has placed me in that is stirring up all that yucky dust in the corners of the closets of my heart. I have allergies - I don’t like dusting! I am thankful that God doesn’t leave me alone, doesn’t walk away and say, “she’s not worth all the trouble.” I am thankful He doesn’t place me in that dusty closet and shut the door and say, “stay in there until you clean it all up.” He just simply asks me to come, come and sit at His feet and fellowship with Him. Come and be willing to let Him do all the dusting. I think my heart must be Honduran - here dusting has to be done daily, sometimes twice a day!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Transitoning
It never ceases to amaze me that God designed my childhood as training for my adulthood. That’s the way He is, using yesterday to train us for today and today to train us for tomorrow. I never want to stop being in training. Until my final breath my prayer will be, “Lord, keep teaching me!”
After the four year period of ‘just us girls’ my mom remarried to the man I have called Dad since I was 9. It was definitely a transition. We went from mom and three daughters to dad, mom, 4 daughters, 1 son, 2 already-out-of-the-house sons, 1 daughter-in-law and a baby on the way. Somethings were easy to adjust to, somethings not as much.
My Dad was/is quite controlling and hard. He likes things his way and he expected us to bend to that immediately. Without talk, without discussion he moved in and it was set in stone that everything was his way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. In fact, a good bit of my controlling nature was probably learned from him. My stubbornness, well....that one I think I was born with!
I am finding that God seems to remind me of childhood moments long forgotten when I am in the same phase as an adult. For the last several years He has been orchestrating my life to resemble my childhood. I guess He is ready for me to deal with the past and grow up!
As we are going through transition with our team, God has reminded me of that transition with my family. He has shown me that I have to communicate. I have to respect others opinions and the way they work. I have to lay aside ‘my-way’.
In the near future our team will consist of 5 very opinionated women and 3 guys. John told me when that happens he is going to ask Mike if the guys can have their own team meetings! I know we won’t always agree, we’ll definitely want to always share our opinions and I am sure hurt feelings are coming. My prayer is that we will always remember that this is God’s ministry and His way. That we will talk, respect, extend grace and love one another. “ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35ESV
I feel so blessed that God has sent us here to Honduras. I love and respect our team mates and there is no where else I would rather be than right here serving alongside them! Well...dancing while the Father sings over me does trump living in Honduras...but for now, until I can dance with Jesus, Honduras is where I want to be!
After the four year period of ‘just us girls’ my mom remarried to the man I have called Dad since I was 9. It was definitely a transition. We went from mom and three daughters to dad, mom, 4 daughters, 1 son, 2 already-out-of-the-house sons, 1 daughter-in-law and a baby on the way. Somethings were easy to adjust to, somethings not as much.
My Dad was/is quite controlling and hard. He likes things his way and he expected us to bend to that immediately. Without talk, without discussion he moved in and it was set in stone that everything was his way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. In fact, a good bit of my controlling nature was probably learned from him. My stubbornness, well....that one I think I was born with!
I am finding that God seems to remind me of childhood moments long forgotten when I am in the same phase as an adult. For the last several years He has been orchestrating my life to resemble my childhood. I guess He is ready for me to deal with the past and grow up!
As we are going through transition with our team, God has reminded me of that transition with my family. He has shown me that I have to communicate. I have to respect others opinions and the way they work. I have to lay aside ‘my-way’.
In the near future our team will consist of 5 very opinionated women and 3 guys. John told me when that happens he is going to ask Mike if the guys can have their own team meetings! I know we won’t always agree, we’ll definitely want to always share our opinions and I am sure hurt feelings are coming. My prayer is that we will always remember that this is God’s ministry and His way. That we will talk, respect, extend grace and love one another. “ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35ESV
I feel so blessed that God has sent us here to Honduras. I love and respect our team mates and there is no where else I would rather be than right here serving alongside them! Well...dancing while the Father sings over me does trump living in Honduras...but for now, until I can dance with Jesus, Honduras is where I want to be!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Goodbyes
I have been pretty crabby the last several days. John put his hands on my shoulders, got close to my face and asked, “Do you need to go away for a couple of days?” I laughed, he laughed. I love how he can always make me laugh.
Asking God why I was being the way I was, He reminded me - it’s the goodbyes. From an early age my life has been full of them. I was thinking through the best friends I have had. A year with one in this school, a year with one in that school, 3 years with this one, 4 years with that one before a goodbye came. Due to a move, due to a change in schools or to life just moving on and paths going separate ways.
The first best friend I remember loosing was the one I had the longest. She and I met when I was in 2nd and she in 3rd. We bonded almost immediately. Although we rarely talked about it, we both shared the experience of loosing our daddies to an accident. We both had large blended families and we just ‘got’ each other.
We went to a small Christian school where we were in the same classroom until she was in 7th and I was in 6th. And that was the last year we were best friends. The next year I was pulled out to homeschool and our lives just parted. The weekend sleepovers started dying off, phone calls went days longer, until it was months before we had spoken.
This trend has extended from childhood to adulthood and the goodbyes continue. College friends and others from all the different cities and states and countries where John and I have lived. God knew that He had called me to missionary life long before I was even born. He knew I needed the ‘classroom’ time of goodbyes as a child before He put me on the 'field assignment’ as an adult. He knew that I would need to know what it felt like as a child so that I could know what my kiddos are going through.
Watching my kids constantly going through goodbyes - this is the part of missions that i do NOT like, but who does? Abigail and Rebekah had a class project this week. They had to pick a song about their life. Abi’s song:
That girl is going to be who she is no matter where she is. And one thing we can always be assured of, she will laugh at herself and get us laughing at the same time. I guess she got that from her daddy!
Still crabby? Maybe a little. I’m missing those that I have had to say goodbye to recently; Katie who went home to be with Jesus 7 weeks ago today and the McCanns who just returned permanently to the States. However, I am thanking God for friends that He has given me here in La Ceiba; my Bible Study Group Ladies, one of whom I get to spend lots of time with on our 5:30am walks (and who reminds me ALOT of my 2nd-6th grade best friend and who I have ALOT in common with!). Lastly, I am anticipating with great joy the ‘hellos’ that are to come soon; the return of the Pettengills from furlough and the arrival of our new teammate Shannon.
Asking God why I was being the way I was, He reminded me - it’s the goodbyes. From an early age my life has been full of them. I was thinking through the best friends I have had. A year with one in this school, a year with one in that school, 3 years with this one, 4 years with that one before a goodbye came. Due to a move, due to a change in schools or to life just moving on and paths going separate ways.
The first best friend I remember loosing was the one I had the longest. She and I met when I was in 2nd and she in 3rd. We bonded almost immediately. Although we rarely talked about it, we both shared the experience of loosing our daddies to an accident. We both had large blended families and we just ‘got’ each other.
We went to a small Christian school where we were in the same classroom until she was in 7th and I was in 6th. And that was the last year we were best friends. The next year I was pulled out to homeschool and our lives just parted. The weekend sleepovers started dying off, phone calls went days longer, until it was months before we had spoken.
This trend has extended from childhood to adulthood and the goodbyes continue. College friends and others from all the different cities and states and countries where John and I have lived. God knew that He had called me to missionary life long before I was even born. He knew I needed the ‘classroom’ time of goodbyes as a child before He put me on the 'field assignment’ as an adult. He knew that I would need to know what it felt like as a child so that I could know what my kiddos are going through.
Watching my kids constantly going through goodbyes - this is the part of missions that i do NOT like, but who does? Abigail and Rebekah had a class project this week. They had to pick a song about their life. Abi’s song:
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Still crabby? Maybe a little. I’m missing those that I have had to say goodbye to recently; Katie who went home to be with Jesus 7 weeks ago today and the McCanns who just returned permanently to the States. However, I am thanking God for friends that He has given me here in La Ceiba; my Bible Study Group Ladies, one of whom I get to spend lots of time with on our 5:30am walks (and who reminds me ALOT of my 2nd-6th grade best friend and who I have ALOT in common with!). Lastly, I am anticipating with great joy the ‘hellos’ that are to come soon; the return of the Pettengills from furlough and the arrival of our new teammate Shannon.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Just the Girls
There was a four-year period in my life where it was just us girls. My mother and my two sisters who are 8 and 5 years older than me. I remember some of these years. Somethings with fondness, others I would rather that I could cast in the sea to never remember again.
I love my mother and my sisters. I really didn’t have a horrible childhood. I just had some crapy things happen that I never dealt with. For the most part I was a happy child and found joy and laughter amidst sorrow and strife.
Actually, I didn’t have sisters - I just had three moms! My mother was busy working or going to school after my father’s death. In the times when she was absence, mothering became the responsibility of my sisters. I never knew were the lines were. When were we just sisters playing? When were they in authority and I had to listen and obey? I got the belt coming from three different directions - and I didn’t take it standing silently that’s for sure. The more I kicked and screamed, the more I got. Oh if I had only learned at an early age to stand silent!
There were benefits to having three moms though. I never had to worry if someone was looking out for me or protecting me. I never felt scared or unsafe. If I fell and got hurt (or had my big toenail ripped off in a post office door and then again in the riding lawnmower) I had more than one pair of hands tending to my needs.
My prayer has become that as I am standing silent before the LORD He would flood my thoughts with the good memories. That I would dwell on “...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable...” Phil. 4:8 That I would have those wonderful childhood memories of sisterhood.
I love my mother and my sisters. I really didn’t have a horrible childhood. I just had some crapy things happen that I never dealt with. For the most part I was a happy child and found joy and laughter amidst sorrow and strife.
Actually, I didn’t have sisters - I just had three moms! My mother was busy working or going to school after my father’s death. In the times when she was absence, mothering became the responsibility of my sisters. I never knew were the lines were. When were we just sisters playing? When were they in authority and I had to listen and obey? I got the belt coming from three different directions - and I didn’t take it standing silently that’s for sure. The more I kicked and screamed, the more I got. Oh if I had only learned at an early age to stand silent!
There were benefits to having three moms though. I never had to worry if someone was looking out for me or protecting me. I never felt scared or unsafe. If I fell and got hurt (or had my big toenail ripped off in a post office door and then again in the riding lawnmower) I had more than one pair of hands tending to my needs.
My prayer has become that as I am standing silent before the LORD He would flood my thoughts with the good memories. That I would dwell on “...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable...” Phil. 4:8 That I would have those wonderful childhood memories of sisterhood.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Grieving
Last week my sweet friend, Katie went home to be with our LORD. I rejoice that she is no longer in pain and that she is dancing with Jesus. I grieve for her husband and two children who must now walk through this earthly life without her. My heart is tender toward children who loose a parent. I am sure it always will be. God has performed surgery on my heart time after time that it’s impossible for the scars to not be tender to the touch.
The past several weeks I BEGGED and pleaded to our Father to spare her earthly life for the sake of her children. He spoke to my soul, "I took care of you and I can take care of them. I numbered Katie’s days. My ways are so much greater and wiser that your ways."
A sweet pastor friend sent me a note encouraging me that it was ok to be sad, it’s ok to grieve. So today, one week from when Katie left her earthly body, I cry. I cry for the friend that I lost. For the wife that Scott lost. For the mother that Daniel and Bethany lost.
Today I am sad - and that is ok.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Normal or Abnormal?
Until recently I would have told you I had an abnormal childhood. I have come to realize that what we grew up thinking was normal, really is the abnormal. So, I’ll shout it - I’M NORMAL. Although I am not sure I am proud of that! :-)
I am the youngest, the ‘little brat’ in our family. The ‘Kathy stop, Kathy don’t, Kathy go away, Kathy no’ child. I was (errr....am) an extremely active, loud, obnoxious child. Never really feeling like I fit in with my family. I know that I was and am loved, but never really felt like they wanted me around; rather preferred that I stayed out of the way. They never really got their wish - I made sure I was seen and heard!
On the outside I was loud and happy, on the inside not so much. My father passing away when I was 5 had a lot to do with that. I didn’t know how I was suppose to feel or act about the sadness I felt, so I just let the sadness stay inside while forcing the happy girl out. I became pretty good at pretending.
An equal reason for my inward sadness happened just a few months after the death of my father. Until this moment only John and about 10 other people knew what I am about to share. One night at a sleep over with family friends, an older girl took me in a closed closet to show me 'what mommies and daddies do to make babies’. When I was 11 a similar incident happened. A few years later, at 16, an inappropriate touch of an extended family person occurred. I kept all of that locked inside of me for years. Always wanting to vomit every time I thought of those days. Never wanting to tell anyone for fear that they would confirm what I felt - that I was nothing more than a dirty little brat.
God has spoken to my soul for so long, “I fearfully and wonderfully made you; you are my work and you are wonderful.”
Today I am standing silent but not deaf. Soaking in the warm of the truth that He does not see me as a dirty brat - He sees me as His redeemed child full of His purity and grace!
I am the youngest, the ‘little brat’ in our family. The ‘Kathy stop, Kathy don’t, Kathy go away, Kathy no’ child. I was (errr....am) an extremely active, loud, obnoxious child. Never really feeling like I fit in with my family. I know that I was and am loved, but never really felt like they wanted me around; rather preferred that I stayed out of the way. They never really got their wish - I made sure I was seen and heard!
On the outside I was loud and happy, on the inside not so much. My father passing away when I was 5 had a lot to do with that. I didn’t know how I was suppose to feel or act about the sadness I felt, so I just let the sadness stay inside while forcing the happy girl out. I became pretty good at pretending.
An equal reason for my inward sadness happened just a few months after the death of my father. Until this moment only John and about 10 other people knew what I am about to share. One night at a sleep over with family friends, an older girl took me in a closed closet to show me 'what mommies and daddies do to make babies’. When I was 11 a similar incident happened. A few years later, at 16, an inappropriate touch of an extended family person occurred. I kept all of that locked inside of me for years. Always wanting to vomit every time I thought of those days. Never wanting to tell anyone for fear that they would confirm what I felt - that I was nothing more than a dirty little brat.
God has spoken to my soul for so long, “I fearfully and wonderfully made you; you are my work and you are wonderful.”
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14 NIV
Unfortunately, for many years, I not only stood silent but deaf as well to the truth that I am not a dirty brat, but a wonderful creation of The Most Wonderful Creator! Today I am standing silent but not deaf. Soaking in the warm of the truth that He does not see me as a dirty brat - He sees me as His redeemed child full of His purity and grace!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Beginning
I was not suppose to have been born. I know that I was always - before the foundations of the earth - planned to be born by God. By my parents I was not planned. I was the ‘surprise’ child. I did not know the following story until a few years ago.
My father was taken the emergency room in pain. The doctors informed he and my mother that surgery was needed and it would leave him infertile.
“Do you want a few weeks to try for another child?”
My parents looked at one another. In agreement that they were totally happy with their two daughters, my older sisters 7 and 4, they told the doctor, “No, we are happy with our family. Go ahead and do the surgery.”
Two weeks later as my dad lay in bed still recovering from surgery my mom told him, “I’m pregnant.” I was born 8 months later. They had not planned me, but God had.
Since they already had two girls, my dad desperately wanted a boy. Therefore, the only name they had picked out was a boy’s name. One story about my father that has been passed down since I can remember is the first moment he held me.
“I couldn’t love you more if you were ten boys.”
This is a priceless memory to me since 5 years later I was to loose my father to a car accident.
It took them three days to name me, one of the many running jokes in our family about ’the baby’ of the clan. Before leaving the hospital I was given the name, Kathy Ann. God has been using the meaning of my name in the recent past to provide healing to my spirit - confirming to my soul that I am his daughter. My parents did not plan my name based on the meaning, but God did.
Kathy, pure one.
Ann, full of grace.
He says to me, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Then I said, "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.” But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth’; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 1:4-8 ESV
So I press forward, living the missionary life I have been called to with my husband and children. In our weakness, with His strength, doing all we can to proclaim the purity and grace that our Father provides to His children. And all the while standing silent hearing my Heavenly Father whisper to my soul,
“My daughter whom I formed and knitted together with My own hands, you are pure and full of My grace!"
My father was taken the emergency room in pain. The doctors informed he and my mother that surgery was needed and it would leave him infertile.
“Do you want a few weeks to try for another child?”
My parents looked at one another. In agreement that they were totally happy with their two daughters, my older sisters 7 and 4, they told the doctor, “No, we are happy with our family. Go ahead and do the surgery.”
Two weeks later as my dad lay in bed still recovering from surgery my mom told him, “I’m pregnant.” I was born 8 months later. They had not planned me, but God had.
Since they already had two girls, my dad desperately wanted a boy. Therefore, the only name they had picked out was a boy’s name. One story about my father that has been passed down since I can remember is the first moment he held me.
“I couldn’t love you more if you were ten boys.”
This is a priceless memory to me since 5 years later I was to loose my father to a car accident.
It took them three days to name me, one of the many running jokes in our family about ’the baby’ of the clan. Before leaving the hospital I was given the name, Kathy Ann. God has been using the meaning of my name in the recent past to provide healing to my spirit - confirming to my soul that I am his daughter. My parents did not plan my name based on the meaning, but God did.
Ann, full of grace.
He says to me, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Then I said, "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.” But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth’; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 1:4-8 ESV
So I press forward, living the missionary life I have been called to with my husband and children. In our weakness, with His strength, doing all we can to proclaim the purity and grace that our Father provides to His children. And all the while standing silent hearing my Heavenly Father whisper to my soul,
“My daughter whom I formed and knitted together with My own hands, you are pure and full of My grace!"
Sunday, January 30, 2011
In the Dark
My sister shared a link to a blogpost. As I read it, I understood everything the author wrote - because I have been in that same dark place. As I read it God reminded me of this blog I started a year and a half ago. Reminded me of His prodding for me to write, to tell my story. Let me start with an excerpt:
Click on the link below to read the entire post of the excerpt above.
Sparrow
After about an hour I came across (I was tempted to say stumbled, but we all know that isn’t true at all) an article on a particular type of bird. It wasn’t a Christian reference, but rather a zoological-type book with statistics and pictures for someone who knows much more about birds than I do.
I skimmed it until I came across a sentence that explained how this certain type of bird learned how to sing. I didn’t finish reading it before the tenderness overcame me.
“And this particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, its cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. Then, it is able to hear its master and will learn to sing…”
More than a sparrow.
More than the pitch-black-darkness.
He loves me.
And in that place of feeling left alone, unwanted, disregarded, abandoned, He whispered to my weary soul;
Sing, love.
In the black night, I listened to His voice and I heard Him in a way I never had before. I stopped trying to focus on the silhouettes around me, panicked and desperate for my bearings. I accepted the fact that it might be a long while before I knew where I was and how to find my way back. Slowly, I started to believe that He treasured me enough to trust my voice in the dark. Nobody watching, nobody to judge.
Just me and the One Who told me I was worth it.
I cry as I read and write. Cry as I remember God’s tenderness when I was in my darkest moments. Remembering that when I was standing silent in the darkness He was watching over me. He didn’t allow me even a small night light, just pitch blackness. He needed me to learn things that only those dark moments could teach. I needed to trust - trust that He truly calls me His daughter, that He truly loves me every minute of every day. That I am not one He puts aside and ignores because I haven’t acted right, said the right things or been the ‘good girl’. I am the one whom He disciplines with kindness; who He hears, acknowledges and answers. I am His beloved - not because of what I’ve done but because of who He is!
So, His prodding for me to tell my story...am I ready to do that for all eyes to see...honestly I am not sure. Now that I have remembered this forgotten blog, maybe. Maybe this is where I will finally let the story be told???
Click on the link below to read the entire post of the excerpt above.
Sparrow
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